


How to Find a Soulmate in One Hundred and Twenty-One Days

by generic_captain_13



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adderall Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Awkward Remus Lupin, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Drug Addiction, Gay Male Character, Gay Sirius Black, Insecure Remus Lupin, M/M, Male Pyro, Modern Era, Orion Black's A+ Parenting, POV Remus Lupin, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Pyromania, Trans Male Character, Trans Remus Lupin, Underage Drug Use, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, Werewolf Mates, Werewolf Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22075660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/generic_captain_13/pseuds/generic_captain_13
Summary: [When he saw his caller ID, he didn’t recognize the number. “Hello?” Remus answered his flip phone.There was some rustling until a boisterous voice nearly screamed, “Is that you, Moony?”“Unfortunately for you, Sirius Black,” Remus responded, “this is the Scotland Yard. You’re being arrested for three accounts of arson lest you pay me a thousand pounds.”]___[“Did we plan this?”There was a pause, and Remus began to panic until Sirius said, “Technically.”“What do you mean, technically? Either we did, or we didn’t?”“You invited me to Cardiff,” he pointed out. “I just took you up on it.”“I didn’t expect you to come here right now,” Remus said.”]___When he shows up to his counseling session high on Xanax, Remus Lupin is forced to join a new pen pal programme for people in therapy. Only, his pen pal is Sirius Black, a fire-setter with mysterious past, and he has one hundred twenty-one days to find a mate.(Trans!Addict!ED!Remus / Abused!Adopted!Firesetter!Sirius.)
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 63





	1. One Hundred and Twenty-One Days

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Eating disorder (AN), childhood sexual and physical abuse, firesetting, depression/suicidal ideations, anxiety, potential LGBTQ-phobia, and drug abuse. If these bother/trigger you, please practice caution and stay safe. Don’t do drugs or start fires. They’re not cool and can and will siriusly hurt you and the people around you. 
> 
> Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You are not alone. 
> 
> That being said, I’m very excited about this project! I did my best to be as immersive as possible. I’m sorry for any and all anachronisms, incorrect use of slang, and Americanisms.
> 
> I do not own HP or any characters relating to it. I simply own the plot.
> 
> I hope I can update at least once a week, if not once a month.

Saturday, November 10th, 2007, 6:38 am. When he woke up that morning, Remus J. Lupin looked at his digital clock and groaned. He had slept in (again), and was late starting his morning run. Pulling out his scale, he mumbled a curse under his breath. Eight and a half stone. He hadn’t lost nearly enough that last week. Hastily throwing his trousers and shoes on, he grabbed his grey iPod Mini and earbuds before slinked out the door. He’d have to take a longer run that day. Then, he’d have to take his breakfast to his room and pray his parents wouldn't question him. 

Stepping outside, he was slapped in the face with a random, biting gust of wind. He started down the sidewalk, fumbling to play anything on his iPod. In that instant, Paramore's  _ RIOT!  _ blasted through his white earbuds. 

They haven't been nearly as inquisitive the past few months since his 17th birthday. He wasn’t surprised; if his hypothetical child was on the brink of death and there wasn’t anything he could do about it, he would also pull away. Though, Remus could surely do without the weekly excursions around Wales. He knew what they were doing; they were trying to create as many artificial memories with him before he inevitably popped his clogs in one hundred fifty-two days time.

One hundred twenty-one days. He only had one hundred twenty-one days left to find a mate before the wolf inside him went insane from loneliness, resulting in his death the day after his eighteenth birthday. It was depressing, really. He had no hope of finding anyone dim enough to commit themselves to him for the rest of their lives, especially on such short notice. There was Dora, the girl he babysat every Friday night, but she was only four, and the thought made him shiver in disgust at the prospect. Definitely not Dora. Then there was Alice, but she was dating (and probably will eventually marry) Frank Longbottom. There was Peter Pettigrew, but he was straight as an arrow, but would likely hesitantly agree so long as it meant he didn’t lose one of his only friends. 

Then there was Lucius Malfoy. Besides Peter, Lucius was Remus’s only friend. However, unlike Peter, he had access to Adderall and Xanax, which Remus would buy at a discount. At the start of the year, he had come out to Remus as being a homosexual, and with Remus being bisexual himself, they had come to the conclusion that they should enter a relationship. However, Lucius was ashamed of his sexuality, even if it wasn’t illegal. Consequently, he ended things with Remus and started dating Narcissa Black, who was technically Dora’s aunt. (The Black family had so much drama, he didn’t want to get involved more than he did by babysitting the four-year-old. In fact, Dora’s mother’s cousin “Sisi”, according to Dora, had been so severely abused that he had been adopted by “a new family in London”, and Dora’s other aunt, Bellatrix, was an avid speciesist hell-bent on hunting down all werewolves. Thankfully, Dora’s parents Andromeda and Ted Tonks were tolerant of werewolves.) 

Needless to say, Lucius broke Remus’s heart. A few days after they ended things, he went on to join Bellatrix’s anti-werewolf group, which was tragic and ironic considering Remus was about to ask him to be his mate before Lucius ended things. In hindsight, that could have ended disastrously, and he probably should heed more caution in revealing his furry little secret. 

The run was only twenty minutes because he felt his head spinning, his heart beating abnormally fast, and his body growing colder than it ever had in the same circumstances. He decided to end things earlier than normal so long as he popped an Adderall with no breakfast. He relaxed as he collapsed into his full-sized bed. He had read somewhere that sleeping burned calories, and combined with his run, he may be able to drop a quarter stone by next week.

He just had to stay strong. 

Succumbing to his exhaustion, Remus drifted away to an uneasy sleep, realizing he needed another dealer, and fast, as he only had a few weeks worth of Adderall left.

___

Tick, tick. Tick, tick. 

The fluorescent lights burned Remus's eyes as Brian, his eccentric, elderly therapist, scratched something down.

Tick, tick. Tick, tick.

He couldn't take his baggy, sullen eyes off the clock. It was black on the edges, and the letters were solid black. There were dashes in between the letters, and if Remus stared hard enough, they almost danced, twitching back and forth. Remus could almost feel the smoothness of the clock on the tips of his sweaty fingers. He couldn’t stand to look at the clock any longer. It was almost blurry, and it gave him a headache to stare at. He subconsciously leaned backward and diverted his attention elsewhere. 

He hadn't slept the night before, and had pointedly skipped school that morning to write the English paper due that day he had spent the entire night writing (which turned out to be "Symbolism" exactly 2,301 times). Thus, he popped another pill in order to concentrate on his session with questionable success. Apparently, instead of the Adderall he intended to take, he had taken a Xanax.

"Remus?" 

Looking around the room, he mumbled, "Yes?" 

"Did you break our promise?"

He made a gurgling sound in response; his mouth was too dry to comfortably open. He would have noticed a pang in his chest, but his attention was monopolized by Brian’s beard. It was almost down to his chest, and looked wiry. Was it as rough as it looked? The room began spinning, and Remus closed his eyes. He felt the acid rise in his stomach.

"I'm very disappointed, Remus." Said boy hummed in response. "I can only give you so many chances on your own. I'm sorry, I really am, but I have no choice but to recommend you to a rehabilitation center."

For a minute, there was silence, and Remus utilized it to open his eyes and look around the room once more. There was trinkets and books everywhere, and in the corner, in a large cage was a sizable scarlet macaw called Fawkes. He felt the dizziness return, and he closed his eyes once more. Then, BAM. Remus flinched, snapping his eyes open, turning to the source of the sound: Brian had dropped a large, old suitcase off his desk. 

"Yes?" Remus mumbled innocently.

"Did you hear me?"

"Yes," he whispered, drawing out the ‘s’. 

"What did I say?"

"Rehabitation, clock, ticking, lights." Brian sighed. 

"Close, I suppose. I am going to have you sent to a rehabilitation center to clean yourself up, but I can cut you a deal." 

"Okay." 

"I know your education is important to you, despite everything, and there's a new pen pal programme specifically for people in therapy. If you make a friend, and don’t overdose, I will wait until you graduate to recommend rehabilitation." 

"How does it work?" 

"If you chose to, it's an email service. I just need the best email address from you, and you will receive a confirmation email within a few hours. After that, you should be paired up within twenty-four hours. What email address should I use?” Blinking, the young werewolf did his best to diligently write down his email address. “Thank you, Remus. Now, since you seem otherwise preoccupied, I will end our session here today. See you next Monday.”

___

**_therapy_pals_@yahoo.com: You have been paired with Sirius. Say hello!_ **

Remus blinked. He had been on his evening run when he received this email. He opened it on his old desktop computer and read the email: burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com. “Must be a pyromaniac,” he thought to himself. “Why would they pair me up with an actual psychopath?”

Still, he made a deal with Brian, as hazy as the memory was. Sighing, he decided to email him immediately.

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Hello, Sirius. I’m Remus, your pen pal on this ruddy programme. Would you or anyone you know happen to have access to Adderall or Xanax? I am willing to pay whatever you want. I’m desperate.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: oi mate what the bloody hell?? why the bloody hell would i have that shit? you know you can go to your doctor right???? _

**theremusjl103 @yahoo.com: You see, that’s the problem. Doctors won’t bloody prescribe it to me. My old dealer and I had a… falling out of sorts. It’s alright if you don’t, I just thought I’d ask.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: drugs are bad. you shouldnt do drugs.  _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Too late.**

___

Remus had almost completely forgotten about Sirius until he checked his email the next day.

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: are you alright??? _

He blinked. No one had ever asked him that besides his parents and Peter. 

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: No one really asks… I mean, I've probably been worse, which seems incredible considering how un-alright I am at the minute. I suppose I'll be okay. How about you? Are you alright?**

If he hadn't expected a response after yesterday, he was definitely not expecting a quick, meaningful one. 

_ burnbabyburn113: im lonely if im completely honest. i mean i have my brother james but i dont know what to do around anyone else. i never say the right thing or its inappropriate. my therapist minnie tells its because of my past but i cant help but feel like theres something wrong with me. im really fucked up you know?  _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I suppose I do know a thing or two about being the weird one, the freak, the one no one really approaches out of fear. People are afraid I'm going to kill them when it's really the exact opposite. No, it's not suicide, no need for a wellness check thank you very much.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: no one really understands you so they keep away from you. youre unstable and always on the brink of insanity. they think if theyre not just polite enough to not be rude but not friendly enough to give you the wrong idea you wont kill them when you eventually snap and go on a murder spree. thats why i'm lonely.  _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I have the exact opposite problem. I keep people away because I'm afraid of hurting them, and the fear rubs off on them. I'm just the Adderall-using loner who just might punch your face in if you make the wrong move. It's depressing, in all honesty.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: i know how it is. i start a few fires and all of a sudden im going to burn the school down.  _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: It explains your email address.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: oi you dont know me. _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I'm sorry. Tell me about yourself then, Misunderstood Arsonist.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: fine. im sirius. i just turned 18 last week. I have a brother james whos a few months younger than me (ha!). im not an arsonist. im a "firesetter". theres an important distinction remus. that means im a delinquent not a criminal. lets see. i liked football but i got kicked off the team for almost assaulting the other teams coach. multiple times. i also like cooking for fairly obvious reasons so im going to open a restaurant with james. now tell me about yourself, mr. junkie git. _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: "Junkie" isn't a politically correct term, you know. The correct term is "addict", not that I am one, though. I'm turning 18 in March. I like English, even though I'm rubbish at it. I always dreamed of being an English professor and professional author. I'm an only child, much to my parents' chagrin. They always wanted a big family, but after I turned six, they decided against it. I never did sports; my parents were afraid I'd grow aggressive. They tried to get me interested in yoga. Yoga! Like a poof!**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: anything in particular wrong with being a poof??? _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: If you asked my ex, there is. He's dating a woman now. A woman! He's not even attracted to women. He said he loved me…**

He backspaced. 

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: It would be hypocritical of me to have a problem with it, considering I’m bisexual. Though, that didn't stop my ex from leaving me in a bout of self-loathing repression. Sorry, that was depressing. Though, on the bright side, he left me for being a man, which is validating for transgender men such as myself.**

His heart sank. Did he seriously tell Sirius all that? He shook his head and put his head in his hands. He quickly closed the internet tab and shut the computer down. He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply. He felt his eyes prickle in pain, fear, and relief, all at the same time. He had finally said it. 

Quickly, anxiety overwhelmed his mind, and he quickly rebooted the computer (as quickly as his PC could, anyway), and logged back into Yahoo. He had one email in his inbox. It was from Sirius. His heart sank, and he opened it 

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: im sorry that happened to you. dont worry for being depressing. life isnt all sunshine and rainbows especially for us gays. i punched my ex in the face. dont worry i wont punch your face unless you want me to ;) _

Remus felt his cheeks heat up. Was that flirtatious?

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I'm quite alright I am, thank you. Though now you have me curious as to why you felt the need to punch him.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: long story. basically he was with me but flirting with jamess girlfriend lily. so i got pissed off n punched him. so my parents homeschooled me until uni. it had nothing to do with the fact that i attempted to set him n his house on fire. _

**theremusjl03@yahoo.com: I’m duly noting that it was “attempted”. Remind me to never tell you my address.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: id never hurt you. ive since realized tht im too pretty for jail. _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Oh, no, Sirius. You’re not ugly. Believe me. Note the sarcasm.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: thanks fr the compliment. hope ill be a hot chef when im done with uni. wht do u want to do when ur done with secondary? _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I really want to pursue teaching secondary education, but I'd be a rubbish teacher. Not that I have to necessarily worry about my future, anyway, what with dying young and all that.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: wait why ru dying young???? _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: A chronic condition of sorts. It's technically terminal.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: im sorry :( theres no cure??? i bet ur too cute to die _

“There's absolutely no bloody way he's flirting with me.” Remus laughed incredulously. 

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com : The cure is nearly impossible to obtain. I think that's what makes it worse; it's like a light at the end of the tunnel, but the train has no engine.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: why cant u just get out of the tunnel??? u cant die. minnie would kill me!!! _

Remus looked around, as if to look for another's opinion. “Is he flirting with me?” He asked aloud. 

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I'll miss you from the grave.**

When he pressed send, he sat back in his chair and asked himself, “Did I just flirt back?”

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: but ill miss u here!!! dont make me find u and get the cure with u.  _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Unless you're from Cardiff, don't bother. I'll be alright I will.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: damn :( im from south east england and i moved to surrey. shame i never met you :( my birthers made me go to a fancy boarding school in bloody scotland.  _

“Oh he definitely is flirting with me,” Remus said as he stared at the screen. 

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: It really isn’t your fault, Sirius. People die all the time. Anyway, enough about my impending fate. Tell me more about yourself.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: is there anything i could say tht would make u hate me _

He stared at the screen for a while. Truthfully, he wouldn’t hate Sirius unless he was apart of or supported anti-werewolf causes, but how would he explain to Sirius, a complete stranger, why that would matter to him? He ran his fingers over the keyboard.  **theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I can’t say there is. Why?**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: ok well i came frm a rlly rich family in windsor n theyre rlly homophobic n when i came out they treated me like shit n so the friend i made @ my boarding school james is rlly rich too and long story short his parents adopted me n now we r brothers. people always treat me differnetly because of it and think i deserve it bc im a troublemaker. _

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I’m sorry you experienced that, and I’m sorry people treat you like that. No one deserves any of that. That includes you.**

_ burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: thank u. ur exactly the 3rd person ive told besides authorities and shit. besides james n minnie. _

Remus felt a pang of guilt in his stomach. He wished he could be as honest with Sirius as Sirius was with him, but he knew better than to share everything.

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: If we’re swapping secrets like schoolgirls, then I suppose I’ll share that I have an eating disorder I do.**

He had sent it too fast to edit out his accent, and he groaned. He realized how often he had forgotten to edit out his “I dos”, and he groaned again. 

_  
burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: im srry tht u have to deal with that. it may not help but at least u type adorably._

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Thank you, Sirius.**


	2. One Hundred Nineteen Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus meets James and discusses communist theory with Peter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welsh is not my native language, nor is the Cardiff dialect, but I’m trying. Also, I had to change the time because I apparently didn’t know math. 
> 
> Lastly, I made email addresses for Remus and Sirius, so if you email them, they will respond to you in context with what is currently happening in the story. (If you happen to be reading this while this is complete, it may contain spoilers!) So if you email Sirius before the next update, you might talk to James.

“Ray, love!” His mother called. “Dinner is ready!”

“Coming, mam!” With that, Remus turned his computer off and scrambled downstairs. The savory scent of Welsh rarebit filled his nose, and his mouth started watering. He couldn’t remember the last time that he had eaten.

When he was young, it was his favorite food. He would request it every night, and because his mother only wanted to make him happy (not yet taking into account that he would ultimately prove unsuccessful in finding himself a mate), and had promised to make it once a week. However, as the stress of finding a mate took a toll on him, Remus grew to associate it with his weight issues, and consequently, began to carefully count his calories and monitor his weight. He would never admit it, but it was liberating to finally have a say in something about his own life.. “Diolch yn fawr, mam.” She smiled tiredly.

“I heard you've made a new friend like,” she said.

He groaned. He should have anticipated her well-meaning inquiries. He said, “His name is like Sirius, he’s from Windsor but lives in London like, he’s eighteen, and he goes to uni.”

Tersely, his father responded, “He sounds nice, he does.” Remus’s heart dropped; his father hadn’t been particularly supportive of his transition, nor was he of his sexuality. If his mother hadn’t intervened and allowed Remus to transition, he wasn’t sure if he would even be alive. 

“He’s just a friend, he is,” Remus explained. “Brian is practically forcing me to be his friend like.”

“I understand, I do,” his father said. “Just be careful with those spoiled brats. He’s had everything handed to him like.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “He can’t be too spoiled if he’s in therapy.”

“I’ve mets many blokes from Windsor,” his father responded. “The lot can’t wipe their own arses like. Especially that family there, the Blacks.”

“You’ve never mentioned it, Lyall,” his mother quipped. 

“I’m only saying that family isn’t right!” His father insisted. “They buggered up their eldest and now he’s mitching and fighting like.” 

His mother hummed, and Remus tuned them out. He only had one hundred and nineteen days left to find a mate, or more specifically, to live. He racked his brain for potential people in his life that would be inclined to agree to such a thing, but he realized that it would be asking for lifelong commitment of them. He had long decided that he wouldn’t be able to find a mate, but that didn’t stop him from wondering if someone that would save his life existed. 

In reality, Remus had accepted his fate, but he still wondered if it had to end that way. What if he could, in fact, find someone simple enough to be his mate? Would he even accept it? The thought made his train of thought stop dead in its tracks. Did Remus really want to die? What did he have to live for? Most importantly, would anyone miss him if he was dead? Moreover, did he accept his impending death in order to protect himself from potential rejection or harm? He had to concede that he was afraid, and of rejection, and death seemed like a viable solution in order to evade it. Though, he considered that, should he find a mate, he would be forced to live, lest he inadvertently kill his mate by heartbreak. How would Remus bide his time? Would he obtain the necessary certification in order to teach, or would he wallow in his own misery for the rest of his life?

Ultimately, he decided that he would cross that bridge if it ever came down to it, but denied any possibility of that happening. Though, if he were completely honest with himself, he would admit that he lacked confidence in both himself and his ability to keep a mate happy. 

“Remus?” He jerked his head to stare at his mother. “We’re going to visit the market tonight. Will you come with us?” 

He sighed, anxiety accumulating in his chest; he needed to visit the restroom, and soon, if he wanted to be able to purge the calories which he were quickly growing less and less likely to be discarded. Though, on the other hand, he knew better than to deny his parents the opportunity to spend what little time they had left with him, so reluctantly, he nodded. 

He would just have to tell them he wanted to bring his camera, and on the way to his room, quickly take a stop by the bathroom. After all, he needed to brush his teeth after dinner to prevent cavities.

___

When he returned home, Remus hastily turned on his computer and logged into his email.

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: hello, Remus. this is James, Sirius’s brother. he has a habit of running off for extended periods of time to god knows where, so he won’t be able to answer you for a while. please don’t worry about him. he is probably safe with a friend. warm regards._

Remus’s blood ran cold. If James was able to access Sirius’s email account, did he read their messages? Did he know Sirius was practically flirting with him?

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Hello, James. It is a pleasure to meet you. I cannot help but be a touch concerned that Sirius falls off the face of the earth from time to time, and the fact that you seem to have acquired access to his email. As wonderful of a person you seem to be, I can’t help but have my concerns.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: i apologize for causing you discomfort. i only had access to his account because he left it open. no worries; i didn’t read your messages ;-P_

His heart began beating wildly. Had he been suspicious with his defensiveness? Would James know that he had been flirting with Sirius?

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I’m not uncomfortable. I’m simply concerned that Sirius has run off and burnt down a building in his infinite boredom. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop and all that rot.**

_burnbabyburn113@yahoo.com: i think i understand why Sirius likes you so much. ;-)_

___

The next day, he raced into his room and opened the top drawer of his dresser. He grabbed his vial and needle, and once he had enough, he grabbed his stomach and injected it. The sensation of the hormone entering his body always provided a rush of excitement each time, knowing that it would help him appear more masculine. He felt his chin; he already had a few hairs on his chin. Remus smiled. The voice cracks and the libido enhancement at seventeen were worth it. 

He glanced at his computer and shook his head. Sirius surely wouldn’t be back so quickly after running off to god-knows-where. He couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous of whoever he was with, but he brushed the feeling off as a byproduct of his constant loneliness. Perhaps he should ask Peter to meet with him.

___

Peter drew in a long breath of his cigarette, the ashes burning a blood orange before graying. When he exhaled, the smoke clouded and stung Remus's eyes. The ashes from the tip of Peter's cigarette descended gracefully onto the ground behind them as they walked. Remus coughed, scrunching his nose and wiping his eyes with his jacket sleeve. He hated the heavy, lingering scent. "Alls I'm saying," Peter drawled, waving the cigarette lazily, "is that you ought to give it a read sometime. I read it I did, and he's bloody brilliant."

"He's a communist, you know," Remus said. "Says it right there in the title of his book like."

"He's still right," Peter insisted. "They have all the money, the bourgeoisie do. They're the capitalist class. You'd know that if you'd give it a read. They underpay the proletariat class like and just keep on accumulating all the wealth for their greedy bastard selves."

"Won't matter if we're all dead like." He coughed again in a vain attempt to clear his lungs. 

"Because they're killings us, they are," Peter quipped, flicking his cigarette. "We're victims of their greedy, capitalistic ways. We needs to stop them. We can. We have the numbers like."

"As endearing as your optimism is," Remus said, "we can't topple a system that's been built against us. It's hopeless, it is, because you can't break down something that doesn't exist. It's all in our heads like."

Peter nodded and opened the door for Remus, whose cheeks flushed with embarrassment and entered. “Sorry, mate,” he said. “It’s like still hard to remember that we’re not…”

“‘Sall right, Wormtail,” Remus whispered. He really appreciated Peter understanding, but it was still difficult to be reminded of his past.

Desperately, Peter changed the subject. “I visited my cousins in London like, and my mate James’s brother made me bangers and mash.”

Remus sighed. “How many Jameses in London with brothers can there possibly be?”

Peter looked at him strangely. “It’s a common name, it is. Is everything okay, Moony? You’s eating like?”

“I’m eating just fine,” he snapped. He looked down and mumbled an apology. “I've made a pen pal in London and he’s run off without telling me like.”

“That’s going’s to be good for you. Is it James?”

“No,” Remus said as he slid into the stool at the bar. “Alright or what, Rosmerta. Just butterbeer for us today.”

Rosmerta hummed as Peter replied, “And tells me about that there pen pal.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “His name is Sirius, he’s a pyromaniac, and his brother’s James. He was adopted like. Leaves for extended periods of time. James emailed me, he did. He told me he wanted to open a restaurant with James like.”

“Small world,” Peter smirked as he took a swig of the butterbeer Rosmerta had just placed in front of him. “Cheers, Rosmerta. But like. That sounds exactly like James and his brother. Any chance this one’s bent?” 

Remus didn’t respond. Instead, he stared at the butterbeer in front of him, watching the bubbles rise and accumulate into a foamy layer. Eventually, he nodded, and pointed took a drink in order to evade Peter’s stare, which undoubtedly entailed a raised eyebrow and a wrinkled nose.


	3. One Hundred Fourteen Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Sirius returns, and they discuss Remus’s condition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! I apologize for such a long delay. Mental health and all that good stuff. Hope the extra long update makes up for it. Hopefully, I can get a new update out ASAP!
> 
> I’m still not a native Welsh speaker or Cardiff resident so please be patient with me.
> 
> Lastly, I was looking through the first two parts and noticed a discrepancy: Sirius says he’s in Surrey, but Remus tells his parents he’s in London. Remus should have said Surrey. I don’t have a beta, so all the mistakes I make are my own. :)

Remus Lupin collapsed onto his bed. Everything hurt: his lungs, his kidneys, his stomach, his liver, and even his head. He felt the bile rise in his throat, warning him that he needed to acquire proper hydration lest he be forced to suffer the consequences. It was already seven in the morning, and the sun peeked through the gloomy clouds. 

It had, in fact, been a terrible idea to minimize his water intake in order to cut his water weight. He understood that and well in hindsight. That didn’t help him in that moment, however, and he was forced to get up and get a glass of water. 

While pouring a glass of water, he contemplated how many days left he had to live. It was one hundred fourteen, and he was nowhere closer to finding a suitable person to ask. The night before, his mother had graciously reminded him that he only had to complete the first part by his eighteenth birthday, which was a simple marking. The word made him cringe; it was dehumanizing to be forced to be conflated with primitive animals. Despite his circumstances, he still wanted to retain his humanity. He laughed, he cried, he cooked, he walked on two legs, and he fell in love. He was human. Mostly. 

With the help of an aspirin, the pain in his body subsided. Remus still felt his head throb and spin. When he glanced at his computer, he dashed towards it. He hadn’t heard from Sirius in a few days, and he was growing worried. Did he lose interest? Did he scare him off? 

He logged into his computer and his email. He gasped. 

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: hi. i went to liverpool to see my mate dorcas n we greased all the handles to the phone boxes n watched people suffer. just got back today, n james nearly had a heart attack. how have u been remus?_

**remusjl103@yahoo.com: I’m glad to hear you’re safe—well, as safe as YOU can be. I’ve been well myself. I spent time with my mate, Peter,**

He deleted the last word; he didn’t need Sirius to know quite yet that he knows Peter. He didn’t even want to test it. 

**and we got butterbeer. Later tonight, I get to babysit a four year old with more attitude in her pinky than I have in my entire body.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: reminds me of my cousin. shes a laugh. she has this sitter, and they say shes in love with him. cant say i blame her. i too want a responsible, sensitive man. if only._

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: She’s definitely strong-willed. One minute, she’s in bed, and the next, she’s halfway through the window. She’s bloody brilliant, but I hope she’s not in love with me as your cousin is in love with her babysitter. I wouldn’t want such a vengeful child after any of my future partners. Note that “future” is used loosely and optimistically.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: funny coincidence innit? but im sad that u think so little of urself that u cant fathom how anyone could find u attractive. dont be so hard on urself._

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Sometimes, pessimism and realism intersect. Objectively, I’m unattractive. Pessimistically, I’m never going to be attractive enough to pique the interest of a potential love interest. Do you see their commonalities? As depressing as it is, even my parents have given up hope. At first, they set me up with their coworkers’ sons. When I came out, they attempted to set me up with daughters. No one was interested, it seemed. They didn’t even know of my terminal condition; it was truly due to how unappealing I was. I apologize if this is sad. I’ve long accepted this, that I’m not what people want. I’m not male enough for the blokes to want me, and the girls seem to want someone taller.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: i understand that. i usually feel undesirable, tht ppl would be better off w/o me. i havent dated since tht snivellus bastard, n honestly, ive been afraid to try. does that make sense? i dont want to get hurt again. you know, james would try n set me up w/ the most popular girls in school. the girls liked me just fine, but thts it innit? i didnt want to date them. n the blokes……. lets just say theyre either taken, straight, or unattractive. or over 200km away._

Remus snorted. If only girls liked him. 

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I don’t know what that’s like, drowning in a varied assortment of beautiful women’s attention. Attractiveness is a curse I do not possess.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: i think ur plenty handsome. if u were my bloke, id make sure you knew tht everyday ;*_

His cheeks burned as he instinctively covered his cheeks with his hands. He squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. Was Sirius, well, serious? Even Remus understood this as flirting, but if Sirius was truly gay, then why pursue him ? Remus wasn’t man enough, and everyone made sure he knew he would always be a girl. Though, he had to admit, the affirmation was a high he’d chase for the last few months of his life. Sirius saw him as a man. His eyes glanced at the clock in the left corner of his monitor and he swore to himself; he had to leave to babysit Dora. 

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: If I were your bloke, I would listen. Unfortunately, I must log off and babysit the princess of mischief. Chat later.**

Turning his monitor off hastily, he pulled his shoes on and jogged towards the Tonks residence. 

~~~

Dora was a well-behaved child, Remus realized, when she was safely tucked into her small bubblegum pink bed and sleeping. Her facial muscles relaxed, and she didn’t move a muscle. She grasped lazily at her stuffed duck. He smiled tiredly at her. He had nearly cleaned the house up from Dora’s adventure with fingerpaint, which she began while Remus used the toilet. Next, he would have to salvage whatever play-doh he could from the carpeting, but he sighed and decided to relax for a moment. 

One hundred and fourteen days was dauntingly insufficient time, and Remus had no idea what to do with the rest of his time left on Earth. Did he want to travel the world? Eat exotic foods? Meet new people? Or did he want to carry out his life as normally as possible in order to cope with his impending demise? Should he even bother with his homework?

He felt a sense of understanding with people who sought to take their own lives. He was trapped between two realities; on one hand, if he were to die, he knew nothing he did mattered anyway. Thus, should he mitch, party, or even find himself arrested, would it truly matter? On the other hand, he found his time left precious; he would never experience life left in this body, with his particular set of interests, with this set of doting parents. In his next life (if such a thing existed), would he know Peter? Surely not in the same context as he does in this life, if he knew Peter at all. He wanted to make the best of his time with them and to not worry Peter. He was well on his way to a premature heart attack as it was. 

The idealistically optimistic part of him begged for normalcy, to strive for excellence and a loving partner. He wanted to be an English teacher. He wanted to care for children, despite his anxieties of harming them. He wanted a lover and a quaint little house to return to at the end of a long day at work. He fantasized about holding his spouse on the couch as they watch terribly cheesy programmes. He envisioned taking long walks on the beach as a dog splashed the water happily next to them. He’d hold them tight, as if they would slip away if he let them go. He would kiss them passionately, and talk about anything and everything. 

When the house had been restored to its original glory, he flopped onto the warm couch. Andromeda and Ted would return soon. His heart sank. When Remus dies, what will they do without him? No sitter in Cardiff would dare brave the storm that is Nymphadora Tonks, and they compensated him justly. They loved him, and truthfully, Remus loved them as well. They were like his aunt, uncle, and cousin that he never had. His aunts and uncles pitied him, but at the same time, they kept their distance for fear of either contracting lycanthropy or being otherwise harmed. They didn’t see him as a threat; they saw him as Remus, the swot that was able to wrangle their unruly daughter. 

He often contemplated how everyone would handle news that he’d popped his clogs. He knew his parents would be heartbroken, desolate. Peter would be angry at him for not telling him that he was dying. The Tonks family? He thought they’d be stressed; who else would be able to watch Dora? A part of him knows that a part of them would miss him. Dora would never be able to have another sitter. Remus’s mind flashed to Sirius. No, Sirius wouldn’t miss him too much. He had said that Minnie would kill him, whoever that was. Sirius would find someone else to flirt with, to vent to. He’d be fine; Brian would find a way to contact them. 

Oh no; Brian. Brian had so much faith in Remus, so many expectations. He wanted Remus to get better and to fulfill his dreams. He’d be devastated to find out that Remus was deceased. He could envision his sullen eyes, his downturned lips. The thought alone was enough to tug at something in Remus’s chest. It was an unfamiliar feeling. Why was the thought of Brian’s disappointment so troubling to him? It made Remus’s throat tighten, his lips quiver, and his eyes water. He balled up his fists. No. Brian won’t hear about him dying. Remus wouldn’t allow it. 

He couldn’t. 

~~~

When he returned home that night, he hopped onto his computer and booted it up. He logged onto his email account and found a message from Sirius. 

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: i know ur busy but i cant stop thinkin about how u said ur dying. why are you dying??? u wouldnt say n im worried_

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: i believe in soulmates. i think everyone has a person. i really want to meet mine. idk if u pick ur soulmate or not but idc. i want someone to be stuck with me forever. ik james does because his person is lily. remus do u believe in soulmates??? coz if u do, ur soulmate will b very sad to never meet u :(_

Remus leaned back on his chair, unsure how to respond. Should he be honest? No, he didn’t want to scare him off. A transgender man was one thing; a transgender werewolf? That would be too much. However, Remus was flattered that Sirius had such a vested interest in him, so he decided to explain it to him, vaguely. 

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Simply put, it is a curse of sorts. It is a terminal curse, should I fail to fulfill the necessary requirements, I will die. I’m under a time restraint, and it is a particularly difficult requirement to meet. I would appreciate it if we can leave it at that. That being said, I do believe in soulmates as well; I don’t believe, though, that everyone is fortunate enough to meet their soulmate. I believe that you pick your soulmate, and they’re your soulmate if they also pick you. I personally find it more romantic if there is a choice to love someone.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: im so srry remus. thts terrible :( anyway ive been thinkin about love a lot lately. i cant wait to get married one day. i cant wait to have kids n a dog n a restaurant. wot do u want? if u dont die do u have dreams about ur future spouse or summat?_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I recently realized that I’m a hopeless romantic; I want the long walks on the beach, cwtches on the couch, and romantic dinners. I want late night swotty conversations. I want someone to confide in, to support me, and vice versa. I’m not sure how I’ll achieve it, but I really want that.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: tht is probably the most adorable thin ive ever herd. u rlly r a swot. :) im just rlly excited 4 married snogs. like. thts my husband??? n im in his lap??? n his hands r in my hair???? n im the most important thin to him???????? sexy. ru a top or a bottom?_

Remus did a double take. Did Sirius seriously ask that? His eyes widened, and his cheeks flushed. 

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: If you are genuinely curious, I’m a top. I was dominant in my past relationship, and I have no intentions of attempting otherwise. I presume you’re a bottom.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: how did u kno?????????? is it obvious???_

**theremusjl@yahoo.com: Oh, no, Sirius; it wasn’t obvious at all. It was hard to tell. It’s only because tops have a sixth sense for bottoms.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: asdfghjkl_

~~~

Remus was thankful for his healthy lungs whenever he walked around Cardiff with Peter. It was still morning, but grey clouds emerged over them. Whenever Peter took a drag and exhaled, the smoke was shrouded in the cold air. Remus coughed uncomfortably. Peter had already eaten his breakfast and paid the bill, and Remus had finished his cup of water. Peter had pursed his lips but said nothing. 

“I’ve reads up on a new book at the library I did like,” Peter said in between drags. “How things like unions don’t makes a social democracy like. That you needs a revolution to overthrow the capitalist class like.”

Remus hummed. Truthfully, he was mostly listening to Peter, but the Adderall he had taken didn’t seem to help nearly as well as he had hoped. He knew Peter was speaking (likely about yet another communist novel he had read) and that he was passionate about it. Remus just sat there, though, starting at the napkin dispenser in front of him. 

“Remus, did you eats today like?”

“I ate I did,” he insisted, slurring his words together. A rice cake the night before and a glass of milk did, in fact, constitute as having ate that day. 

“You don’t look ten stone like.” 

“Don’t worry about me like,” Remus said, still staring at the napkin dispenser.

“You’s on it again.” Peter didn’t ask.

Remus shook his head, but instantly felt his head spinning. “No.”

At that, Peter stood up and grabbed Remus’s arm. “I’m takings you home I am,” he said. 

Remus stood up and felt like he was spinning and falling. He leaned on Peter, who was saying something. Remus would hear, but the loud ringing in his ears prevented him from hearing much more than muffled screams. His fingers went numb, and all he could feel was his feet moving forward. 

He was seeing black spots when he found himself on his couch. When he opened his eyes, he saw his parents looming over him. They bombarded him with a million questions: was he alright? Did he need anything? Could he feel his fingers? Could he sit up? Did he need water? He stared at his parents, overwhelmed. “Water,” he croaked. His mother immediately jumped up and ran to the kitchen. 

His father stayed by his side, carefully watching him. Remus sighed. “Sorry.”

His father asked, “Why’s you apologizing like?”

Remus shrugged. His mother returned with the water, and he hesitantly drank it. The cool rush down his throat woke him up, seemingly bringing him back to life. 

~~~  
**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Hello, Sirius. How are you today?**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: gud. i went shoppin wit lily n james. i got a new lether jacket n stuff 4 my bike. wbu????_

Remus bit his lip. 

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I have been well. I spent some time with my mate and parents. I did some homework and read.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: ur so boring lol. u still usin??_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I should ask you if you set a fire recently.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: touche. i nearly got caught by scotland yard…….. but it worth it. u shoulda seen the flames. so big. thts wot she said lol._

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I should hope the Scotland Yard doesn’t read that. I can see the article post already: “Twink sets fire, Trips and Falls Running from Scotland Yard.”**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: oi ill have u kno i played football so im not a twink! n i can outrun em!!!_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Ah, yes. Nothing screams “heterosexual top” like staring at the knobs and bums of other blokes.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: asdfghjkl stop calling me out moony!!! blokes r so attractive especially the goalies_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Oh, *I’m* the moony one? What does that make you?**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: padfoot. thts what my friends at uni call me._

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: There’s definitely a story there.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: asdfghjkl its embarrassing_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Embarrassing? Here. I once wrote an in-class essay that was 4 pages worth of my full name.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: ouch lololololol. ok so i was wit james peter lily marlene n dorcas. i had just moved in wit james n i decided 2 set fire to stuff from my birthers n i went to dance on it but i burned my feet. i have reduced feeing on the bottom of my feet n i had to wear these ugly pads on my feet. i was in a wheelchair. plz don’t laugh @ me_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: That’s more interesting and entertaining than embarrassing. I’m sorry you were injured. Was this prior to or after developing pyromanic tendencies?  
**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: after. theres a reason i dont talk 2 my old family. anyway u never answered my question, moony_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Oh, look at the time, Padfoot. It’s time for me to do something else.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: ill take that as an admission of guilt. do u want to talk about it, moony? did u eat today?_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I appreciate the concern. I’m fine. I had a fainting spell today, but I’m standing. Mum forced me to eat some Welsh rarebit.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: im worried about u. please talk 2 me. :(_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: What do you want me to say?**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: just what goes on in the mind of monsieur moony?_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: In all honesty, I contemplate my own mortality frequently. I can’t decide if I accept my impending demise. I wonder if what I do in my short time left matters. What good will it do me to stop using? Will anyone miss me when I pop my clogs? My therapist, Brian, I decided, would be sufficient motivation to continue living; unfortunately, that neither changes the amount of time I have left, nor does it change my hopeless status of being unable to do much about it.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: 4 what its worth, ill miss u. ur wonderful. but i think its good that u want to live. it gives u a reason to try to find a cure 4 ur curse_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I suppose you have a point there, Monsieur Padfoot. The problem is that I want to find the cure, but as I’ve said before, it’s very difficult to obtain. It’s like wanting to read a book but having neither arms nor eyes.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: i would read it to u. but i gtg do homework before mum takes my bike. ttyl moony. :)_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Goodnight, Padfoot.**

When he turned his monitor off, Remus decided to take a late-night run. After all, he needed to burn whatever calories lingered from his rejected Welsh rarebit. He put on his running shoes, grabbed his iPod, and quietly walked out of his room. Then, he heard his parents whispering. 

“I’m worrieds, John. He isn’t eatings like,” his mother stated. “Rarely eats the rarebit and it was always his favorite.”

His father exhaled sadly. “I understand I do, Hope, and I thinks he’s got them pills again.”

“His Zoloft?”

“No. Other pills like.”

“I’ll checks his room tomorrow. Rwy'n dy garu di.”

“Caru chi rhy, annwyl.”

His heart beat so loudly, he was afraid his parents could hear him. He tiptoed out of the house and ran. He ran until he felt his stomach acid creeping up his throat. When he returned home, he passed out on his bed, thinking about Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the end, Remus’s parents basically say they love each other.


	4. One Hundred and One Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus has another therapy session, and Sirius has a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologize for the delay! I'm in my third year at university, and I've been having conflicting feelings about the HP / MWPP fandom. I decided that while I completely disavow and condemn Joanne's opinions on people like me, I feel it within my right to continue to read and write for this fandom. I don't know when the next part will come out, but I do have an idea of what will come next. 
> 
> Lastly: 100 House Points to whoever can figure out where the username "lesecdebbm" comes from, as it assuredly has a meaning. [HINT: This takes place in late 2007.]
> 
> Other than that, I hope you enjoy! :)

Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick. 

Brian took a sip of his water. Remus’s heartbeat slowed so significantly he thought he was dying a slow, painful death. He was afraid; his body was more sluggish than usual, and he was panicking. He had recently run out of Adderall and Xanax, and was unable to find a dealer in time to prevent withdrawals. He also found himself hungrier, which had prompted a few panic attacks. 

“You seem unrested.” Brian leaned back into his chair. 

Remus sighed. “I think it’s withdrawals I do. Haven’t had anything since a few weeks like.”

Brian paused. “It’ll pass,” he said. “I’m proud of you for taking the first steps. I’m sure your pen pal would be proud as well. How are they, anyway?”

“He’s fine.” Remus was unhappy. 

“Are you?” The question made Remus pause. 

“No,” he croaked. “I want to die I do. But I thinks I have things to live for.”

Brian leaned in intently. “Care to elaborate?” 

Remus paused; he knew what Brian wanted to hear, but what was the truth? He wanted to live to make Brian proud, but he was embarrassed. “My mam. Peter. The dwtty I like babysit. Sirius.”

“You haven’t mentioned Sirius before. Who is that?”

“My pen pal,” Remus answered with rosy cheeks. “He’s like friendly and interesting. He has an affinity for firesetting, like mitching, and fighting. He’s from Windsor but lives in Surrey like.”

“Interesting.” Brian smiles. 

Tick, tick, tick. 

“What?”

“I had hoped you would find friendship in your pen pal.” 

It hadn’t occurred to Remus that Sirius was his friend. It was strange to think about, comparing Sirius to Peter. No, that was wrong. They spoke regularly for the past few weeks, and he’d felt like Remus knew him well. Sirius was free-spirited, though deeply disturbed by his past. He was rebellious, but at the same time, he was a sweetheart, thoughtful. He seemed to genuinely care about Remus, a thought that made his heart swell. It felt wrong, an incorrect assessment of his relationship with Sirius. But why? Remus had a feeling, didn’t want to think about it.

~~~

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Sirius, are we like butts?**

It had been impulsive, in hindsight, to be straightforward in that matter. But what was he to do? The panic only set in when Sirius hadn’t responded quickly. 

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: ofc we r, m. moony. wot gave u the idea we rnt??? im so bloody srry :(_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: Thank you, M. Padfoot. I was simply curious, is all; it had nothing to do with you or your perceived shortcomings.**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: okey. do u have wlm??? /i >_

**theremusjl103@yahoo.com: I do, actually. It’s just RemJL. /b >**

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: im gonna add u ;p_

When he opened Windows Live Messenger, he had a friend request from “lesecdebbm” and accepted it immediately. 

_**lesecdebbm says:  
moony!!!** _

**RemJL says:  
Hello, Padfoot. **

_lesecdebbm says:  
how ru?? _

**RemJL says:  
I am well, thank you. I had my therapy appointment. How are you today?**

_lesecdebbm says:  
i snogged! a bloke!! from london!!! _

Remus’s heart sank. He should have anticipated this, this indirect rejection. He knew Sirius saw him as a friend; he should have done the same. He smacked his own forehead. “Get a grip, Remus,” he told himself. “Even if he fancied you, he would run in the other direction as soon as you said ‘werewolf’.” Pulling himself together, he replied. 

**RemJL says:  
You did, did you? How was it?**

_lesecdebbm says:  
horrible! he didnt kno wot he was doin. id rather b kissin u :* _

Remus was flustered; was Sirius flirting with him specially, or was that just his nature? 

**RemJL says:  
I’d oblige, but unfortunately, I’m not currently in snogging distance. **

_lesecdebbm says:  
wot if u were??? _

Remus bit his lip. He couldn’t help his body’s natural reaction to Sirius’s flirting, nor could he help the shiver that ran down his hair. He sighed. If only. 

**RemJL says:  
I don’t know. I’m in Cardiff. You’d have to come here, and we could find out. **

_lesecdebbm says:  
ru inviting me to visit you?? shouldnt you take me to dinner first??? ;P _

**RemJL says:  
Shouldn’t you make dinner? You’re the culinarily-inclined one. **

_lesecdebbm says:  
touché. i will amaze u with my cooking skills ;P _

Did Remus just plan a date with his pen pal that a) he had never met in person and b) was a bloke his father would have a problem with? Was it a date, or just two butts meeting? 

**RemJL says:  
I’ll make sure to be there. **

~~~ 

Remus couldn’t explain why, but he felt compelled to log into the messenger before his morning run. He was surprised to find Sirius logged in. 

**RemJL says:  
Alright or what?**

_lesecdebbm says:  
mooonnnnyyyyyyy _

**RemJL says:  
Yes, Padfoot?**

_lesecdebbm says:  
i bloody hate night terrors. >:( _

**RemJL says:  
Oh, I’m so sorry. What happened?**

_lesecdebbm says:  
my birther burnt her fags into me. _

_lesecdebbm says:  
n i was set on fire n my brother reg laughed n called me a fag fag. _

_lesecdebbm says: n then it changed n my sperm donor held me in a chair n my birther shaved my hair off :(_

**RemJL says:  
I’m so sorry, Sirius. Are you alright? Do you want to talk about it?**

_lesecdebbm says:  
idk……. ive been cryin n shakin n i cant sleep… i was hopin u would come on :(:(:(:( _

_lesecdebbm says:  
im scared theyll find me _

**RemJL says:  
Take some deep breaths for me, alright?**

_lesecdebbm says:  
ok _

**RemJL says:  
Keep taking deep breaths.**

**RemJL says:  
She won’t find you. She won’t come for you. James is there, yea?**

_lesecdebbm says:  
he left 4 football practice _

**RemJL says:  
I’m here, even if I have to go to Surrey to prove it. **

**RemJL says:  
Keep taking deep breaths. **

_lesecdebbm says:  
cheers moony ur the best xx _

_lesecdebbm says:  
i feel better now. _

_lesecdebbm says:  
i rly appreciate it. <3 _

Remus paused. The “xx” usually indicated kisses, and”<3” had always meant a romantic heart. How could Sirius possibly (potentially) flirt in such a situation? Did he have feelings for Remus as well—wait. “As well”? Remus swore under his breath. He had developed feelings for Sirius, who had too many issues to even consider a date, let alone a mate. No; given a little attention, he inadvertently developed a one-sided crush on his pen pal. Before he could respond, Sirius replied again. 

_lesecdebbm says:  
im going back to sleep. sweet dreams moony :) ill b dreamin of u. _

Remus choked. 

**RemJL says:  
Goodnight, Padfoot. **

~~~ 

Riiiing. Riiiiing. Riiiiing. 

It was a surprise to Remus when his phone started to ring. He picked it up when he saw it was Peter. 

“Ray!” Peter shouted, causing Remus to wince and hold the speaker away from his ear. “I’m goin’ to, like, a party tonight. There’s going to be so many lush birds, er, people, in your case like.” 

“How do you find out about these parties like?” Remus furrowed his brow. 

“I’m nots a homebody,” Peter teased. “I’ve gots lots of butts like.” 

Remus frowned. Peter had always been more sociable and outgoing than Remus. It simply wasn’t in his nature to seek out excitement. Perhaps that was why he was dying; he never put himself out there, and he never sought out new company. He found solace in his own company, which was a lifestyle incompatible with a werewolf’s. 

Taking a deep breath, Remus asked, “What’s the address? I’ll, like, picks you up.” 

“Cheers, Ray!” 

~~~ 

In hindsight, Remus realized, parties weren’t the best places to find a mate. It was dark, no one could see, and if they could, they probably wouldn’t see much clothing. He could barely hear his own thoughts over the sound of thoughtless pop songs, and people were drunkenly screaming over the music. The room reeked of sweat, Rhymney Dark, and cheap pizza, a combination that made his stomach flip. He didn’t drink beer, and the pizza was disgusting yet enticing. Remus grimaced at the prospect of eating that glorified greasy cardboard. 

Peter had run off to grab them drinks, but Remus had been shoved away from his comfortable corner and forced into the kitchen. He glared at the tower of empty and half-empty cardboard boxes. Though it was loud, he could still hear his friend remark, “What did those bloody like boxes dose to ya, butt?” 

“They’s smells like fuckin’ terrible.” Remus stubbornly kept his eyes trained on the boxes. 

“Well,” Peter set a glass down in front of him. “Least they’s swotty jumper don’it sticks out like a sore thumb. Have a drink, for fuck’s sake.” 

“I don’t drink, wanker.” Remus shoved the glass towards Peter, who shoved it back at him. 

“I’ms tellings ya mum you’s not eating like.” It wasn’t a threat but a deal: drink the Rhymney Dark, and Peter wouldn’t tell Remus’s mother about his relapse. Yet. With Peter, he never promised his silence, only time. Time Remus didn’t have. So Remus downed the glass. And the next. And the one after that. 

If Remus was still alive, he couldn’t tell. It wasn’t as if he had a point of reference or anything, only the knowledge that one would occur in the near future. His body moved, and he realized, to his horror, he didn’t seem to do much to make that happen. He was almost on autopilot, except someone else was controlling the plane. The chaos around him seemed muffled, distorted. 

At some point, he found himself shoved against the wall, a girl snogging his face off. Her fingers roamed his body, causing him to groan. She wrapped her legs around him, and he seemed to touch her hips, thighs, and bum without much inhibition. Under normal circumstances, this would neither happen nor be something he would allow to happen. 

But why? This girl with her curly black hair pulled into a bun, a leather jacket, and black eyeliner was so sensual, alluring, desirable. He would never have gone for a girl like her. He thought he was going to explode from his attraction to her. He nearly bit her neck, but thankfully, he still had some sense. After all, he would only have done it if it was the night before a full moon. And Remus was too drunk to contemplate the repercussions of marking a random girl he met at a party. 

For all he knew, she was a member of an anti-werewolf organization. 

Before he knew it, he found himself on top of her on a random bed. Her hands roamed his chest, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist, bringing him closer. He knew it was a horrible idea, but he ground his hips deeper into hers anyway. She let out a guttural groan. Something changed in Remus. He felt a part of himself, a deeply repressed part of himself, clawing its way through, desperate to mark her, to make her his mate. It was more than lust; it was a primal instinct, something he innately knew he had to do. He needed to claim this girl underneath him like he needed water to survive. 

That all changed when the girl started unzipping his pants. “I want you in my mouth,” she demanded, as she attempted to dig into his pants. Remus remembered that he couldn’t have casual sex as his human counterparts could, nor could he in the the way the girl underneath him was clearly expecting. 

In a moment of clarity and fear, he quickly climbed off of her, zipped his pants back up, and left. He dragged an even less-sober Peter to his car, tossed him into the back seat, and drove to Peter’s flat. 

~~~ 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure how he had gotten to Peter’s flat in the first place, which terrified him. He was never one to drive intoxicated, never mind the fact that he had never been intoxicated before. But perhaps the thing that disturbed Remus the most was the fact that he couldn’t remember anything after he told Peter he didn’t drink alcohol. He only knew he drove to Peter’s house intoxicated because his car was outside, an apathetic accomplice to his crime. 

When he returned home, Remus’s parents were understandably pissed off when he returned the next afternoon. His mother had visible dry tears staining her cheeks, and he apologized profusely. He had, thankfully, the clarity of mind to nurse his and Peter’s hangovers before returning home. He wouldn’t have been able to handle his mother’s crying and his father’s disapproval otherwise. But for reasons Remus understood, his parents simply asked him to let them know if he were to attend a party. 

Once in his room, Remus sighed deeply. Out of habit, he sat down at his computer and logged into WLM. Sirius was online. 

_lesecdebbm says:  
I AM SO PISSED MOONY!!!!1!!!111!! >:( _

**RemJL says:  
What happened, Padfoot?**

_lesecdebbm says:  
i went to this party n this bloody tosser left me high and dry!!1!!!1 _

_lesecdebbm says:  
i thought we had chemistry but apparently not. n then i couldnt even get shagged when he left. moony im bloody pissed off!!!1!1!!!!!!!!! _

Remus felt his stomach tighten. He knew he had feelings for Sirius, but that didn’t mean Sirius was obligated to reciprocate them. Hell, he wasn’t even obligated to stop seeing blokes. Ultimately, Remus took a deep breath and attempted to be sympathetic. Despite how desperately he wanted to assert that he wouldn’t have left Sirius, he knew it wasn’t the time to flirt. 

**RemJL says:  
I’m so sorry he left you like that. I’m certain it wasn’t because you aren’t fit. He must have had his reasons.**

_lesecdebbm says:  
prolly not. fuckin wanker. he was a dam good snogger tho >:/ nearly jizzed my pants n he hadnt even touched me yet. _

**RemJL says:  
While we don’t know his side of the story—maybe he had to take a piss and got lost—it was still shitty of him to leave without an explanation like that. An explanation before he left would have sufficed. **

**RemJL says:  
It wasn’t fair to leave you so abruptly, especially during an intimate moment. He should have been more considerate of your feelings. **

_lesecdebbm says:  
always so reasonable m. moony. thank u for listening to me bein angry and horny. ;) _

**RemJL:  
My pleasure, M. Padfoot.**

~~~ 

Later that night, he checked his email to make sure he hadn’t received any emails. To his surprise, he received one sans a subject from Sirius. His heart dropped; did Sirius lose interest in Remus? Had he gone off to find another person to chat with? 

_burnbabyburn311@yahoo.com: hello again, Remus. James again. Sirius ran off before breakfast this morning. i figured you’d like to know. we’re trying to figure out where he went. :-\_

When Remus read the email, he thanked god that Sirius hadn’t randomly decided to hate him. Then, he realized the email had been sent shortly after Sirius had a trauma-induced nightmare, and that made Remus nervous. Maybe he should mention it. 

**theremusjl03@yahoo.com: Thank you for letting me know, James. I should mention that I spoke to Sirius this afternoon, and he seemed to be at a party last night**

After a moment of contemplation, he decided that Sirius should tell James himself. He deleted everything after “and”. He was afraid of losing the trust Sirius had no-doubt placed in him, and Sirius likely hadn’t told James about his night terror. 

**while he didn’t tell me where he was, I’m certain he simply needs some time and space to think.**

He pressed send and exited his email. He contemplated everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, and he wasn't sure what to make of it. Part of him was worried about Sirius, but the other part felt special, that Sirius trusted him enough to contact him instead of James. Remus sat back in his chair, thinking, and eventually wondered aloud, “Where the bloody hell is Sirius?” 


	5. Eighty-Four Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus debates whether or not to tell Peter, and Sirius plays with fire (and gets burned).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! I didn't realize four months had passed since I last updated. Very cringe lol. Hopefully the wait was worth it? :)?
> 
> There may be minor formatting issues, and while I caught most of them, some are very stubborn.

Remus needed to tell Peter. He could lie—and he likely would—that he had another terminal illness. He also considered the fact that Peter needn’t know anything if Remus wasn’t going to die. It was a gamble: if he told Peter he was going to die, and then he doesn’t, then Remus was a liar. But if he doesn’t tell Peter and he does die, he could ruin Peter’s life from guilt and lack of closure. Thus, Remus had two options: if he doesn’t tell Peter, he must find a mate, but if he does tell Peter, he must die.

Peter took a long drag of his cigarette. “What it is, is,” Peter drawled, “how much, like, emphasis we’s place on commodities we have, y’know?”

“I agrees, I do,” Remus replied patiently. As much as he hated Conservatives, he didn’t feel it appropriate to go as far as Peter went. 

“I’m not being funny. They’ve brainwashed us they have like, Rem.” Peter turned to him, taking a drag of his cigarette. “Now we’s got like materialism in our bloods like.”

Remus grunted. “We’s alright like. The Labour’s still majority it is.”

“Don’ts get complacent, Remus. That’s what they, like, want you to believe. So when the, like, bloody Tories takes power, they’ll set us back they will. Aren’t you like, terrified that they’s going to outlaw gay marriage?”

Remus had long accepted that he wouldn’t be able to legally marry a woman in Cardiff, and he may never will. It had taken many long sleepless nights, but he had felt better when he realized it would be accepted in other countries. There was some hope, however slim, that it could happen in the United Kingdom, too. Finally, Remus said, “They can’t, like, stop something that isn’t goings to happen.”

Peter looked at him with a strange expression. Remus figured it was sympathy, but he couldn’t be sure. “You’s a good bloke you are,” he said. “You deserve like, someone that’ll make you happy you do.”

He made a face. Peter raised his eyebrow, a challenge to disagree. But Remus didn’t contest because he started to wonder if he did.  
~~~

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
moooooooonnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyy  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
Yes, Padfoot?  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
hi :) <3  
_

Remus’s heart skipped a heat.

**  
RemJL says:  
Hello. Are you well?  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
i got back home, n i just set a fire, so yes i am!!!!!!!1!  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
I am suddenly blind. I see absolutely nothing on my screen right now. I can’t even be certain if I am spelling things correklsdjfgj.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
lolollollololololol ur hilarious, moony <3  
_

That’s it, Remus thought. This wasn’t simply a coincidence. Sirius was definitely flirting with him. Though, it was very likely a joke, given how disinterested in a monogamous relationship he seemed. And non-monogamy wasn’t something Remus could provide.

**  
RemJL says:  
You’ve got an interesting definition of hilarious.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
i find a lot of things hilarious. fit blokes, james, my mates, n edgy jokes  
_

Remus deflated. He was definitely in the “mates” category. 

**  
RemJL says:  
I am willing to bet that my humor is edgier than yours.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
try me lololol.  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
I went to a zoo with my parents. A zookeeper put some mice into the snake’s cage.  
**

**  
RemJL says:  
A little girl made a comment about how nice it was that the snake was getting friends. I told her I, too, eat my friends whole. She started crying.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
ahahahahahahahhhahaa. bfore i started living wit james, i used to tell my cunty aunts tht i couldn’t wait to see them at their own funerals  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
My gran has Alzheimer’s, so every time we visit her, she asks how I am doing. Well, she wants to know what happened to her granddaughter, and why she has a grandson she doesn’t remember. **

**RemJL says:  
So every time, I tell her something different. Usually, I kill her off and tell her I was adopted after her death. I once told her I had been killed by a machete-wielding serial killer. I almost told her I had been chopped in half, so she now had two dead granddaughters.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
oh thts rlly sad :(((( i feel bad fr laughin. coz ur rlly dyin :’(  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
I suppose it is sad. But if I am to die one day, what’s the difference between now and in a few decades?  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
tht’s still sad!!!!!1!!!!!11  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
I’ve already accepted my own mortality. Though, it really puts a damper on my motivation, seeing how meaningless everything is when I know I have limited time left. However, knowing I am likely to die really gets you a leg up whenever you want something: “Mum, I’m dying. Can I get a few chocolate bars please?”  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
i rlly wanna hug u rn :((((  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
Wait. I told you I was terminal? I can’t remember.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
no u told me. u said it was like a curse. it’s just so sad.. it makes me vry happy to be mostly healthy.  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
It does make you think a lot about the choices you make. Every time I sit down to do homework, I feel like I am wasting my time because I could be doing something fun, exciting.  
**

**  
RemJL says:  
On one hand, if I die soon, doing homework was worthless, and I wasted my little time left in this life. On the other hand, if I don’t die soon, I won’t know what’s meaningless to do and how I should live my life.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
me too, in a way. i nvr know wot could happen when i leave home. i could get mugged or worse… so i live my life like i’m being buried the next day. i seize every opportunity at happiness bc i never know if or when it’ll all be over. i do wot i have to do to make mum and pa happy, but i make sure i’m happy first  
_

Remus felt tears streaming down his face. He hadn’t realized that anyone else, even Sirius, could understand him.

**  
RemJL says:  
I completely agree.  
**

**~~~**

After the morning sermon that following Sunday, Remus’s mother insisted on going to a restaurant for lunch. Remus had no choice, so he debated his options. He could insist he had eaten earlier, but they had stopped believing him. He could order the smallest amount of food, and work incredibly slow. If he kept the conversation going, subtly, he’d run out of time to eat everything. Thus, he would have an easier time offsetting his caloric intake. Remus bit his lip. That’d have to work.

Once they sat down at their table, his mother said, “How’s Sirius?”

“Mum,” Remus complained.

His father stepped in. “We’s just wants to like, know what you lot get up to we do.” 

Remus groaned and covered his face. He wasn’t used to his parents prying, and he wasn’t liking it. “It’s like, not much to tell. We’s just like, vent to each other.”

“Did’s you tell ‘im?” His father asked.

Remus bit his lip. “Mostly. I, like, tolds him the important part I did.”

His mother pressed, “Which was?”

Remus looked down. “The part that didn’t include the, like, furry little problem.” 

That’s what they called it: they furry little problem. It had been easier to simply call it as such. Ever since he was young—immediately after being bitten—he had heard his parents utter neither its colloquial name nor its medical terminology. He had seen it on paper, and he had researched it. But he wondered if his parents had ever said it aloud. 

When their orders arrived, Remus said, “I never told you’s what Dora did…”

~~~  
**  
RemJL says:  
What is your wisdom,Monsieur Padfoot?  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
dont get too close to the fire you set, monsieur moony  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
This can’t have arisen from personal experience.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
so last night i set a fire n i singed a part of my hair <\3  
_

**  
lesecdebbm says:  
it smelled so horrid :’(  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
i bet u smell good :)  
_

Remus choked. Sirius was such a flagrant flirt, and it nearly gave him hope.

**  
RemJL says:  
Considering my hygiene routine excludes fire. What did you expect when you stuck your face in a fire? A gentle kiss from your lover?  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
oi!!! i am no berk, wanker!!!1!1!  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
Who called you a berk? I merely questioned your motivations.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
ur a prat moony. >:(  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
And anyway, my word of choice would have been “nutter”.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
>:( !!!!1!1!!1!!!  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
Use your words, Padfoot.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
ur not my real dad  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
I should hope not. I don’t fancy forbidden love affairs.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
i would break the law fr u moony. <3.  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
You’d break the law regardless of romantic incentive. Don’t lie to me; I’m just a cover.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
u have no faith in me. im insulted.  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
Good. You’ve gone and broken my heart. However will I pick up the pieces when it’s thoroughly shattered to pieces?  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
asdlkfjdskla;gj_

_lesecdebbm says:  
hey remus?  
_

His heart dropped. 

**  
RemJL says:  
Oh dear, you’re being serious.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
no.. deer is james._

_lesecdebbm says:  
if i were an animal i’d be a dog_

_lesecdebbm says:  
really though, do you still use?  
_

He sighed and took a few more deep breaths. He had been worried he had misunderstood.

**  
RemJL says:  
Oh, I used the last of what I had a while ago. I do not recommend going off cold turkey. I had a horrible time I did.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
ru alright now????  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
The withdrawals aren’t as terrible anymore, thankfully. My parents were concerned for a hot minute.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
im glad ur good now :)  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
Thank you for the concern. How are you, despite your hair happenings?  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
better, now that i’m talking to u :) tho there’s smthing else i need to mention_

_lesecdebbm says:  
minnie tells me i have ……. quirks._

_lesecdebbm says:  
it was rlly bad……… i dont tell minnie everything.  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
Minnie is your therapist?  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
yes. i just don’t prefer telling her things.  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
Some things are necessary to disclose.  
**

Remus felt his stomach drop. Did he have any authority to say that?

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
i dont like to tlk about it. it’s like opening a wound. then pouring salt into it. and then burning it.  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
I should have expected the analogy to take that direction. **

**RemJL says:  
But in all seriousness: I understand how difficult it is to open up. Certain parts of you are vulnerable, and consequently, rejection based on those parts cut deeper and hurt more than other parts.**

**RemJL says:  
Take my… habit… For example. I don’t tell people about it because if they judge me based on that, it’s worse than judging me for being a swot.**

**RemJL says:  
However, in therapy, it’s imperative that you disclose to your therapist. Minnie is there to help you.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
i tried…….. once. _

_lesecdebbm says:  
he told me i deserved it for not listening to my birthers._

_lesecdebbm says:  
ik it wasnt my fault but i cant stop those thoughts  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
I’m so sorry… I had no idea. He was wrong for that; you were just a child.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
thnx… im srry im so negative :(  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
What are you talking about? You’re extremely positive! I’d even say too positive.  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
im srry :(  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
No, don’t apologize. You have nothing to apologize for. **

**RemJL says:  
Sirius. You are a good person.**

**RemJL says:  
No, fuck that. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. **

**RemJL says:  
You’re so accepting, non judgemental, and you’re really fun to talk to!  
**

_  
lesecdebbm says:  
i appreciate it… _

_lesecdebbm says:  
neway. i just want u to kno i have abandonment issues._

_lesecdebbm says:  
like, i’m scared ppl will leave me so i just dont get attached. so it doesnt hurt when they leave……….  
_

**  
RemJL says:  
I promise you that I will not leave you so long as I’m alive.  
**

__  
lesecdebbm says:  
thank you, remus. i appreciate it.  
Remus desperately wished to be able to promise more time on Earth to Sirius, but it wasn’t possible. He wanted desperately to live, to be happy, but he was at an impasse. How could he convince someone to enter in a lifelong partnership more permanent than a marriage? Especially someone they had known for less than three months?

He was only 17; what cruel god or fate cursed him? Why did he have to make such an important choice now? He missed out on the childhood he would have otherwise had. He couldn’t play with the other kids lest he unwittingly unleash his inner beast. He was alone, and now he was paying the price for it.

Did he really have to tell Peter, though?


End file.
